When Uncertainty Feels Like a Problem to Solve
What happens when the nervous system doesn't have enough information
You send a message and don’t get a reply.
A friend seems distant.
A date cancels.
You spend a weekend with no plans and find yourself feeling lonely.
A job opportunity falls through.
On their own, these experiences provide surprisingly little information.
Yet it is remarkable how quickly the mind can turn a single event into a conclusion about ourselves, other people or our lives.
My friend doesn’t care about me.
I don’t belong here.
Moving here was a mistake.
Before we realize it, we move from wondering what something means to believing that we already know.
Part of us may recognize that we are making assumptions.
But, the feeling remains convincing.
And when something feels unsettling, we naturally want to make sense of it.
That is often where the story begins.
I work with expats, digital nomads, and internationally mobile adults who find themselves caught between what they feel, what they know, and what they fear might be true.
Together, we explore the stories that emerge when uncertainty activates the nervous system and develop practical ways to respond with greater flexibility, self-awareness, and curiosity.
If this resonates with you, you can learn more about working with me here.
The Need to Know
Human beings are not particularly good at dealing with uncertainty.
Most of us would rather settle on an explanation than sit with the unknown.
When something feels unclear, the mind naturally tries to make sense of it.
And when we are emotionally activated, that process often happens so quickly that we barely notice it.
Complexity gives way to certainty.
Possibilities narrow into conclusions.
The Story Feels True Before We Examine It
Much of this process happens outside of our conscious awareness.
A friend cancels plans and we recall every time they seemed unavailable.
A date seems distracted and suddenly their slower replies feel significant.
A lonely weekend feels like proof that we don’t belong.
One difficult week at work becomes evidence that we chose the wrong career.
What began as a single moment starts to feel like evidence about who someone is, who we are, or whether our lives are heading in the right direction.
The story may or may not be accurate.
But it gives us the sense that we understand what is happening.
For a nervous system struggling with uncertainty, an incomplete answer can feel more comforting than not knowing.
Why This Pattern Is Common Among Expats and Nomads
If you live an international lifestyle, you may find yourself navigating this pattern often.
Life in another country frequently requires us to make important decisions with limited information.
We build new friendships without knowing how long either person will stay, how invested they are in the connection or what role they may ultimately play in our lives.
We date people from different cultures and backgrounds, where communication styles, expectations and ways of navigating conflict may look different from our own.
We question whether we belong, and whether we should stay, leave or start again somewhere else.
Uncertainty is woven into many pieces of daily life.
The more uncertainty we are carrying, the easier it becomes for a single experience to feel like evidence that something isn’t working.
When the Story Takes Hold
In therapy, I often see people become certain about what an event means before the full picture has emerged.
Recently, I worked with a client who felt convinced that a friendship was ending after a disappointing interaction.
By the time we spoke, the issue was no longer the interaction itself, but the meaning that had been assigned to it.
The client had moved from:
“My friend seemed distant.”
to
“My friend doesn’t care about me.”
The shift from possibility to conviction happened so quickly that it went largely unnoticed.
It simply felt true.
What I found interesting was not whether the client’s conclusion was correct, but how quickly it became the lens through which everything else was viewed.
The reality was that we did not yet know what the interaction meant.
Yet the conversation was no longer about understanding the situation.
It was about responding to a conclusion that already felt true.
The Space Between What We Feel and What We Know
One of my favourite concepts from Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) is the idea of Wise Mind.
DBT teaches that we all have both an emotional mind and a rational mind.
The emotional mind helps us understand how an experience feels.
The rational mind helps us consider facts, evidence, and context.
When uncertainty feels uncomfortable, the emotional mind often starts speaking the loudest.
The feeling becomes so convincing that it starts to look like a fact.
Wise Mind invites us to bring both perspectives together.
It asks us to take our feelings seriously without assuming they tell us everything we need to know.
From that perspective, we can ask an important question:
What if both are true?
I can feel disappointed by someone and recognize that I may not know the full story.
I can feel lonely and still be building a meaningful life in my new country.
I can feel anxious about a decision and recognize that it may still be the right one.
I can miss aspects of my old life while also valuing the life I am creating now.
It is possible to feel hurt and acknowledge that we do not know what someone else’s behaviour means.
Loneliness can be present without the conclusion that we do not belong.
And uncertainty can exist without requiring an immediate answer.
Over time, the nervous system learns that while uncertainty is uncomfortable, it is not necessarily dangerous.
Wise Mind reminds us that feeling something strongly is not the same as knowing what it means.
Curiosity creates space between what we feel and what we assume.
And sometimes, that space changes everything.
Curiosity Over Certainty
Uncertainty is an unavoidable part of being human.
No matter where we live, who we love or how carefully we plan, there will always be moments when we simply do not have enough information.
A message will go unanswered.
Someone we care about will behave in a way we do not fully understand.
If you live an international lifestyle, you may spend a significant amount of time learning to move forward without all the information you would like.
The challenge is not uncertainty itself, but the stories we create when our nervous system struggles to tolerate it.
Do we become curious?
Or do we rush to fill in the blanks?
The stories we create may sometimes be accurate.
But they are not always the only explanation available to us.
The stories we create can help us make sense of our experiences, but they are not always the complete picture.
Sometimes the wisest response is not to find certainty, but to stay curious a little longer.
Many of the people I work with are not struggling because they lack answers, but because uncertainty feels overwhelming.
Together, we explore the stories that emerge when uncertainty activates the nervous system, and develop practical ways to respond with greater flexibility, self-awareness, and curiosity.
If you’d like support with this process, you can learn more about working with me here.
So much wisdom! I'm convinced that it's my curiosity that's helped me through the most challenging situations. I love how you make the distinction between "The Space Between What We Feel and What We Know". And this is something we can keep examining and get curious about!